But you can't stop the inevitable and I blinked, and am now the proud owner of a fabulous five month old, my simple life has changed, and I am definitely feeling the love I was warned about.
Oh, how I love her.
I would die for my husband, my family is my whole world, and I love my friends more than I could ever express in this lifetime. But the love I feel for Scarlett is a different, more colorful love then I've ever known before. It's a selfless sort of love that I don't believe I've ever been able to give to anyone else; mostly because I had no idea how selfish I truly was until she came into this world.
It's almost as if I couldn't see past myself, until I saw her.
And now, I see everything differently. I feel her deep brown eyes watching me, soaking me in daily like a tiny little sponge, and I feel an intense desire to be the woman that God needs me to be, for her. No longer my own, my self centered focus in life has slowly shifted to seek out everything I can possibly do to draw myself closer to God so that I can feel His presence more readily in my life as I raise up this gift that He's given me.
As I watch her watching me, there is little else that matters. And though I've relied on it since I was a little girl, I'm only just beginning to scratch the surface of the unfathomable love that God has for us as I'm holding her in my arms, breathing her in so deeply and experiencing a joy that I've never felt before.
Because God loves me even more than I love her.
It's hard to imagine how that's possible, but I know it is. I believe that God looks lovingly down on me in the same fashion that I stare at her. He feels the same intense connection to me that attaches me to my child, because I am His child. He desires to love and protect us, to hold and comfort us, to extent mercy and grace to us, to speak to and communicate with us, just as we do with our own children.
To feel this intense, selfless love for someone else on a level that I've never felt before brings to mind the unconditional love His Word teaches that God extends toward me every single day, and I'm in awe of and humbled by the very thought of it.
I want so badly to share it with others, let it spread all around me like a wildfire. I want to accept that love from God anew every morning, to tuck it all deep inside until it spills out of my heart continuously, molding and shaping me into a better person, so that others can see God's love radiate through me like the stars in the sky. And though I'm only human and will no doubt make countless more selfish mistakes, I want to do everything that I can to glorify God and thank Him for His forgiveness, for His devotion, for His unspeakable blessings.
For Scarlett Grace.
And now I set-addicted to and caught up in the radiating glow of this new take on love, watching as time flies by-and my life has truly changed. Once an infertile trying desperately to reach a point in my life that produced offspring, I've been wildly blessed to achieve that milestone at least once in this lifetime, and I have hope of more to come.
So that's what I've been up to these past few months. Blogging has been replaced with thoughts of change, a strong desire to intentionally give myself over completely to God, and desperate attempts to hold onto every fleeting moment of my tiny human that I can before it's gone. It isn't that I have been uninspired or unfulfilled; it's the exact opposite. I've been caught up in the brilliant beauty and unexpected intensity of this new life I've been given.
But the reality is that I think better out loud and I miss the clarity that placing my thoughts out in the open brings and the gratitude that follows those written blessings, so I'm going to do my best to get back to blogging on a regular basis, documenting more about the miracle that is my tiny human, and my personal experiences and revelations along the way.
So to hold me more accountable and in a desperate attempt to build suspense, I'm working on a slide show of pictures to share soon, as well as a few more posts on motherhood, infertility, the plan for our frozen babies and an update on being a working mom, as well as the possibility of some interesting book reports and overly honest product reviews.
Maybe even a few give aways of my own personal creations if I can manage to find my craftiness again.
Every day still holds it's fair share of rainclouds, but I've been blessed beyond measure and God is good every day, despite our circumstances. And even when things look dark, it's easy to see God's grace in my sweet Scarlett Grace, it fills my heart and brings the sunshine back every time.
Oh, how He loves us!
"God is love. Therefore, love. Without distinction, without calculation, without procrastination, love."