Monday, November 29, 2010


Tis the season of being grateful, and I'm obligated to state the obvious.

I'm thankful to be growing a tiny human inside of my uterus.

For the first time ever, I was thankful this year for something other than the usual blessings of family, friends, health and wellness. And not to disregard those blessings-because they are nothing short of miraculous on their own-but there's just nothing like an occupied uterus to up the game and make a girl feel extra special this time of year.

I still can't believe I'm here, but I am; caught somewhere in between comments from strangers asking where in the world I'm keeping this child I'm supposedly growing and others stating that they can definitely see the start of my slightly distorted-have you seen how oddly pointy my pooch is-baby bump.

I'm pretty sure I felt my first tiny kick about a week ago, but I'm holding off until a more obvious one comes rolling along to seal the deal. I live off of apples, oranges, hard boiled eggs, boca burgers, popcorn, protein bars, yogurt, cheese and veggie stir-fry for fear of any other food causing intestinal problems and breakouts, and I'm even starting to consider nursery color pallets and furnishings.

Being pregnant is still amazing, so much so that I'm afraid I'll be the girl in the delivery room, holding her freshly birthed child and asking her husband if she can have another before she's even pushed out the afterbirth.

Which is a bit of a problem, since conceiving a second child probably won't be cake either.

But seriously, I'm already considering it. Because right now, I'm still getting used to the fact that I'm carrying a child, but my ever-infertile mind is already wandering over to the journey to grow our family further, anxious to defrost and implant those two precious frozen babies we have waiting for us in lock down; hoping and praying they survive and join us here on earth.

Infertility screws you up, and I'm starting to realize it never really ends.

But in the meantime I'll try to hit the breaks and focus on my own tiny miracle in the here and now, cherishing every precious second the Lord gives me to carry this baby blessing.

Because I am undeserving.

Over the weekend, I spent a little bit of time catching up on a few of my favorite blog friends who are still struggling with infertility, and found that despite countless prayers and pleadings with God to make them mothers, two of them just completed there final IVF cycles with less than desirable results, and my heart broke in a million pieces for them.

I was right there. I was in the midst of my final attempt at IVF myself just a few short months ago, and I know all to well the crippling fear and anxiety that accompanies knowing you're in the middle of the end.

Feeling sure that it worked, but terrified that it didn't.

I even know what it feels like for your last try at a biological family not to have worked, though my nightmare only lasted a few hours until my nurse confirmed that my home pregnancy test was wrong because I simply had a hormone level too low to detect on that darn pee stick.

And I know what it's like to feel your heart break from the news of a chemical pregnancy, though again, just for a few days before my nurse confirmed that the darn beta results were actually incorrect and I was indeed still pregnant; but the point is, I only felt these things for a short time.

These girls will feel them for an eternity.

I can't even begin to comprehend why God chose me to be a mother of a biological child-why He chose to answer our desperate prayers the way we wanted Him too-but chose not to give these two faithful ladies their own miracles just the same. I know that God hears all of our prayers and He has His own perfect plan that's beyond our understanding, and I know that He has something amazing in store for these women, but I still mourn for them because I was them, even if it was only for a small amount of time.

So this Thanksgiving season, I'm not only humbled and eternally grateful for the tiny human growing in my uterus, but I'm also so incredibly thankful that God chose to answer our prayers, and I'm giving Him all the honor and glory for the second heart beating inside of my body at this very moment, because He could have said no.

Thank you Lord, for saying yes.

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."
-John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Thursday, November 18, 2010


I'm trying my best to make the mental switch from the daily documentation of all things IVF to the weekly documentation of all things pregnancy related, constantly reminding myself that I'm a temporary fertile.

It obviously doesn't come naturally to me.

Despite my lack of the said documentation, pregnancy has been an absolute dream so far, making it difficult to believe that my body is doing something right, and that there is a tiny human with half my DNA, and half my husbands DNA dancing around inside of my happily occupied uterus at this very moment.

So in the way of ridiculously late updates, my early first trimester weight gain is holding steady for now, my scalp is no longer dry, spotting issues are gone for good and even the problematic symptom of dealing with uncooperative bodily breakouts is under control with the help of 2% sylic acid.

I'm finally feeling this little one roll around inside, and it turns my stomach like the thrilling downhill decent of a roller coaster ride, nothing like the popcorn and gas bubbles that I was waiting for. It's the most amazing feeling, and it's helping to make this experience that much more real despite the smooth sailing and lack of symptoms being shown so far. I'm effortlessly enjoying these early days, full of energy and plans of the future, before my stomach requires it's own zip code and life becomes uncomfortable to the point of sleepless nights and sheer exhaustion brought on by my soon to be whale like appearance.

But in the midst of all the planning, preparation, and sheer bliss, I'm still bouncing back and forth between fertility and infertility. It wasn't that long ago that the possibility of my dreams of having a biological child seemed so far away, and I don't ever want to take for granted this undeserved blessing.

And it's already moving more quickly than I could have ever imagined. It feels like just yesterday that I was watching time drag as I reached impatiently for my twelve week mark, the mental certificate stating that my child was one third of the way baked and I had passed another danger zone safely. Then suddenly I find myself just short of half baked, partially registered, and obsessing over stroller and car seat decisions.

I've felt my very first-and only-braxton hicks contraction, recognised this little miracle inside of me moving-though likely brought on my my torturing it with flashlight from the outside of my growing stomach-and finally shared the impending arrival of our secret blessing with the majority of our family and close friends, all of whom lit up with pure joy and confessed that they'd never been so happy to hear the news that a couple was expecting a baby.

And with every single one of these confessions, I'm humbled.

Infertility is hard, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But the truth is, we are blessed beyond our wildest imaginations because of-and in spite of-it. Just watching all of the emotional reactions to our news and feeling the love that surrounds this unborn child reminds me daily that our prayers weren't the only ones answered on that hot August day. This child is a blessing and a joy to so many others who have given us love, support, and encouragement during these past four years, and the hard road that led us here certainly makes everything that much more special.

I don't feel robbed that we had to go through everything we did to get here, or angry that we had to experience so much heartache on the way to our dreams coming true. Instead I feel so extremely honored that we get to be a part of God's plan, a tiny piece of living proof that He still answers prayers, even if it takes longer than we think it should.

So despite the downfall of the economy and my lack of monetary value, I wake up every morning in awe of the fact that God has allowed me to carry this child. And being just a few weeks short of the anatomy scan-at which we will kindly refuse to find out the gender of our child despite our daily wavering feelings-makes me even more awestruck that we've come this far. My fear has been replaced with the anticipation of tiny kicks, punches, and my belly converting from this awkward pudgy stage to a full, rounded ball of bliss just in time for the holidays, and I'm so very thankful to be here.

Nice to meet you, cloud nine.

“I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all men, most richly blessed.”
-C.S. Lewis