Thursday, November 18, 2010


I'm trying my best to make the mental switch from the daily documentation of all things IVF to the weekly documentation of all things pregnancy related, constantly reminding myself that I'm a temporary fertile.

It obviously doesn't come naturally to me.

Despite my lack of the said documentation, pregnancy has been an absolute dream so far, making it difficult to believe that my body is doing something right, and that there is a tiny human with half my DNA, and half my husbands DNA dancing around inside of my happily occupied uterus at this very moment.

So in the way of ridiculously late updates, my early first trimester weight gain is holding steady for now, my scalp is no longer dry, spotting issues are gone for good and even the problematic symptom of dealing with uncooperative bodily breakouts is under control with the help of 2% sylic acid.

I'm finally feeling this little one roll around inside, and it turns my stomach like the thrilling downhill decent of a roller coaster ride, nothing like the popcorn and gas bubbles that I was waiting for. It's the most amazing feeling, and it's helping to make this experience that much more real despite the smooth sailing and lack of symptoms being shown so far. I'm effortlessly enjoying these early days, full of energy and plans of the future, before my stomach requires it's own zip code and life becomes uncomfortable to the point of sleepless nights and sheer exhaustion brought on by my soon to be whale like appearance.

But in the midst of all the planning, preparation, and sheer bliss, I'm still bouncing back and forth between fertility and infertility. It wasn't that long ago that the possibility of my dreams of having a biological child seemed so far away, and I don't ever want to take for granted this undeserved blessing.

And it's already moving more quickly than I could have ever imagined. It feels like just yesterday that I was watching time drag as I reached impatiently for my twelve week mark, the mental certificate stating that my child was one third of the way baked and I had passed another danger zone safely. Then suddenly I find myself just short of half baked, partially registered, and obsessing over stroller and car seat decisions.

I've felt my very first-and only-braxton hicks contraction, recognised this little miracle inside of me moving-though likely brought on my my torturing it with flashlight from the outside of my growing stomach-and finally shared the impending arrival of our secret blessing with the majority of our family and close friends, all of whom lit up with pure joy and confessed that they'd never been so happy to hear the news that a couple was expecting a baby.

And with every single one of these confessions, I'm humbled.

Infertility is hard, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But the truth is, we are blessed beyond our wildest imaginations because of-and in spite of-it. Just watching all of the emotional reactions to our news and feeling the love that surrounds this unborn child reminds me daily that our prayers weren't the only ones answered on that hot August day. This child is a blessing and a joy to so many others who have given us love, support, and encouragement during these past four years, and the hard road that led us here certainly makes everything that much more special.

I don't feel robbed that we had to go through everything we did to get here, or angry that we had to experience so much heartache on the way to our dreams coming true. Instead I feel so extremely honored that we get to be a part of God's plan, a tiny piece of living proof that He still answers prayers, even if it takes longer than we think it should.

So despite the downfall of the economy and my lack of monetary value, I wake up every morning in awe of the fact that God has allowed me to carry this child. And being just a few weeks short of the anatomy scan-at which we will kindly refuse to find out the gender of our child despite our daily wavering feelings-makes me even more awestruck that we've come this far. My fear has been replaced with the anticipation of tiny kicks, punches, and my belly converting from this awkward pudgy stage to a full, rounded ball of bliss just in time for the holidays, and I'm so very thankful to be here.

Nice to meet you, cloud nine.

“I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all men, most richly blessed.”
-C.S. Lewis


  1. I am so glad that you updated!! I don't even think about the people that I know in real life as much as I think of the people in this community!! I am beyond thrilled that things are going so well for you and you are feeling great! Its amazing that the further along you get the less you weigh..but you look awesome!

  2. oh so happy to read the update. I have been stalking daily, praying that all is going well. I love your lil baby bump:)

  3. I've been thinking about you lately, and so glad you updated!! its crazy how much my blog friends mean to me!! :)
    Its bittersweet that you are declining to find out the sex..while I cant wait to find out, I know how much more special this will make his/her birth day!!
    Show us some more belly shots woman!!
    Are you going to share possible names with us before the birth, or so I have to wait for that too! LOL
    So glad you are feeling the baby now..that is the BEST feeling in the world!!!

  4. Nice to meet you Cloud Nine! I LOVE IT!!! Warning you now that I have every intention of stealing that. I love you and I love that little baby of yours.

  5. THanks for the update. Still so excited for you. And LOVE the CS Lewis quote. Brings tears to my eyes!!!

  6. Thanks for all the prayers, girls! Robin, steal away. I'm pretty sure I stole it myself from one of my readers blogs :) Stephanie, the gender will be a surprize (even to us) at birth if we can hold off like we originally planned, and the names will remain a secret, too. Frustrating, I know...but I'm trying to build suspense here! :)

  7. If it's possible to love another person's child as much as your own, count me in. I cherish your baby's kicks nearly as much as you do, Tab. In the midst of this crazy holiday schedule, your writing reminds me to slow down and enjoy it. Could we have ever imagined we'd be developing a real belly by Christmas? Once again, not only do your posts make me cry, but they redirect my thoughts and my actions toward The One who made this season possible. I love you, sweet girl, and could not possibly be happier for you.

  8. I am so glad to haer that everything is going well :) Keep keeping us updated!

  9. an update- hooray!
    and i can't even BELIEVE you're almost halfway there- omg!!!