Monday, November 29, 2010

{18w3d}

Tis the season of being grateful, and I'm obligated to state the obvious.

I'm thankful to be growing a tiny human inside of my uterus.

For the first time ever, I was thankful this year for something other than the usual blessings of family, friends, health and wellness. And not to disregard those blessings-because they are nothing short of miraculous on their own-but there's just nothing like an occupied uterus to up the game and make a girl feel extra special this time of year.

I still can't believe I'm here, but I am; caught somewhere in between comments from strangers asking where in the world I'm keeping this child I'm supposedly growing and others stating that they can definitely see the start of my slightly distorted-have you seen how oddly pointy my pooch is-baby bump.

I'm pretty sure I felt my first tiny kick about a week ago, but I'm holding off until a more obvious one comes rolling along to seal the deal. I live off of apples, oranges, hard boiled eggs, boca burgers, popcorn, protein bars, yogurt, cheese and veggie stir-fry for fear of any other food causing intestinal problems and breakouts, and I'm even starting to consider nursery color pallets and furnishings.

Being pregnant is still amazing, so much so that I'm afraid I'll be the girl in the delivery room, holding her freshly birthed child and asking her husband if she can have another before she's even pushed out the afterbirth.

Which is a bit of a problem, since conceiving a second child probably won't be cake either.

But seriously, I'm already considering it. Because right now, I'm still getting used to the fact that I'm carrying a child, but my ever-infertile mind is already wandering over to the journey to grow our family further, anxious to defrost and implant those two precious frozen babies we have waiting for us in lock down; hoping and praying they survive and join us here on earth.

Infertility screws you up, and I'm starting to realize it never really ends.

But in the meantime I'll try to hit the breaks and focus on my own tiny miracle in the here and now, cherishing every precious second the Lord gives me to carry this baby blessing.

Because I am undeserving.

Over the weekend, I spent a little bit of time catching up on a few of my favorite blog friends who are still struggling with infertility, and found that despite countless prayers and pleadings with God to make them mothers, two of them just completed there final IVF cycles with less than desirable results, and my heart broke in a million pieces for them.

I was right there. I was in the midst of my final attempt at IVF myself just a few short months ago, and I know all to well the crippling fear and anxiety that accompanies knowing you're in the middle of the end.

Feeling sure that it worked, but terrified that it didn't.

I even know what it feels like for your last try at a biological family not to have worked, though my nightmare only lasted a few hours until my nurse confirmed that my home pregnancy test was wrong because I simply had a hormone level too low to detect on that darn pee stick.

And I know what it's like to feel your heart break from the news of a chemical pregnancy, though again, just for a few days before my nurse confirmed that the darn beta results were actually incorrect and I was indeed still pregnant; but the point is, I only felt these things for a short time.

These girls will feel them for an eternity.

I can't even begin to comprehend why God chose me to be a mother of a biological child-why He chose to answer our desperate prayers the way we wanted Him too-but chose not to give these two faithful ladies their own miracles just the same. I know that God hears all of our prayers and He has His own perfect plan that's beyond our understanding, and I know that He has something amazing in store for these women, but I still mourn for them because I was them, even if it was only for a small amount of time.

So this Thanksgiving season, I'm not only humbled and eternally grateful for the tiny human growing in my uterus, but I'm also so incredibly thankful that God chose to answer our prayers, and I'm giving Him all the honor and glory for the second heart beating inside of my body at this very moment, because He could have said no.

Thank you Lord, for saying yes.

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."
-John Fitzgerald Kennedy

11 comments:

  1. I can't imagine what it must feel like to have that little person kicking you..so amazing! I forgot to mention in my last comment how much I loved when you said, Nice to meet you, cloud nine. Those words are so awesome and I am so happy for you!!

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  2. Happy to hear that you are doing so well Tab! Thinking of you and looking forward to more updates on you and your little one :)

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  3. Beautiful, Tab.
    Just like you.

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  4. And I'd like to add that I'm bursting at the seams to find out about the nursery!!!

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  5. So glad everything is going well! I hope He says "yes" to me soon- thanks for keeping those of us still waiting in your prayers :)

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  6. Your way with words is unreal!! You make me feel like I am experiencing these things right along with you!
    I'm so glad God said yes to you too!
    We have all longed for these posts coming from you!!!

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  7. What an awesome tribute to God. I'm so glad He said "yes" to you, too - this must have been the BEST Thanksgiving for you and your hubby. I'm excited to continue to follow you on your journey - can't believe you're almost halfway through your pregnancy already!

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  8. I am so glad to hear that I wasn't the only girl pregnant and still worrying about conception (#2). I even thought about it a lot for a month or two after C arrived, but now I just relish every moment with him and I don't worry about #2 :) Its been a nice change to truly ignore all things ttc

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  9. I cant believe youre already 19 weeks. Will you be finding out what the sex of this little miracle is?

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  10. I just found the invite to your blog...I have no clue how I missed it...better late then never! I am so happy for you. And I look forward to continue to follow! Best Wishes!

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  11. I just found your blog, too... and I am already excited for you! You do have beautiful words. And you are so deserving! Please don't look back, enjoy the miracle. I don't think anyone going through IF, would want you to feel guilty. You are what we are trying for.
    My heart breaks for your two friends. I can't even imagine...

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