Tuesday, April 5, 2011


There is a car seat in my car.

Our thirty six week appointment sent me into full nesting mode when the doctor informed me that I was officially one centimeter dilated and sixty to seventy percent effaced. He told me not to think too hard about labor or it just may happen, and to get ready.

So I did what any normal, nesting mother would do, and headed to the dollar store for baskets. Then I spent the entire evening cleaning out linen closets and kitchen cabinet shelves, adjusting shelve heights a million times over and organized everything into the said baskets. Then I'd stand back to look at my work, and panic because the baskets were the wrong height, width, or color.

Frustrated with the basket project, I instead decided it was imperative to immediately clean out my car and install the car seat, just in case. But by this time it was already pretty dark outside and the main light bulb in our garage had gone out, so my husband found me a half hour later squished into the backseat of my tiny ford focus, holding a maglight and trying desperately to find the latch cover on the seat base.

He asked me-cautiously-if I thought it would be a better idea to do this tomorrow morning when it was light outside, but after a deep sigh and pitiful look from my swollen, pregnant face, he was right there next to me, crammed into what was left of the backseat with a second flashlight and the installation manual.

Thus resulting in the newly installed carseat in my car.

By the time I made my way to bed that night, I had vacuum sealed up the guest bedroom set, sorted the boy clothes from the girl clothes from the gender neutral clothes, completed my first load of baby blankets, socks, hooded towels and sheet laundry, and tried my best to annihilate anything from our house that I hadn't seen or used in the last six months.

Because I've always hated clutter, and now is not the time for emotional attachments.

Never one to hold still for long anyway, my brain is locked and loaded on preparing my house for this impending arrival. And while I'm aware that the baby won't care one bit if my unmentionables are color coated and stacked neatly in my drawers, or if the bottom of the guest bathroom sink cabinet is organized in appropriately sized baskets, If I want to keep my sanity, it must be done.

I still have to finish the nursery, pack my bag, reach a final decision on names, complete a concise and to the-point-birth plan and clean ceiling fans and baseboards, but at least I'm on my way.

Birth classes are over, and as I reached out to take my completion certificate on that last night, it took everything in me not to tell the instructor that I wasn't ready. That I've wanted this so badly for the last four years, but now that it's almost here, I need a few more weeks. I need a few more strangers to comment on my belly, I need someone-anyone-to reach out and touch my belly, I need to have more trouble bending over first and near the point of feeling so exhausted with this pregnancy that I just pray every night for it to be over so I can hold this little one in my arms.

But I'm still not uncomfortable, and despite the thirty-six pound weight gain, I can still wear my wedding ring. I never even started my pregnancy scrapbook, and I still haven't written a post about my latest shower. The crib bumper and bed skirt are still nothing more than a bag of material and thread setting in my trunk, and I haven't decided if I even want to mess with curtains to cover the beautiful wooden roman shades I found. I still have to make an appointment to get the dog neutered and my carpets cleaned, and I never got around to doing my Kegals.

I can't decided if I want to keep my bold choice of a turquoise Moby Wrap, or exchange it for a more versatile black one, and I'm still missing a few things off my registry that I need.

And-insert worst pregnant mom of the year award here-I have yet to read or sing to my baby.

I could go on and on for days about all of the little projects I still haven't found time to complete, all of the many things I never got around to doing and my insane list of worries and fears about the mother I have to learn how to be. But instead of focusing on all of the unknown, I'm doing my best to make a constant effort to just enjoy the here and now.

I won't be pregnant for much longer. The house needs to be cleaned, but it's not worth obsessing over. And though the possibility of birthing a tiny human at any moment sort of makes me want to hyperventilate when I consider that I'll be eternally responsible for the task of shaping my child's heart and teaching them things I'm not even sure I have down myself, I have to remind myself that it's never really possible to be fully prepared anyway.

All the cleaning, reorganizing, checklists, baby books, and color coordinated baskets in the world won't be enough to prepare me for the very moment my water breaks, I realize I never bought that enema I so desperately needed to maintian any sort of modesty there is left to be had at this point, and I begin to experience the most painfully beautiful act a woman's body can ever complete.

Ready or not, I'll be holding this miracle in my arms soon, and something deep inside tells me that nothing else will matter.

Just last night, as I walked on the trail behind my parents house, memories took me back to a time not so long ago when I would walk this same path and daydream about the day I'd be pregnant. During the many infertility treatments, disappointments, and heartbreaks, walking or jogging that trail always brought me peace; because no matter how far away He felt, I could always sense Gods' presence when I was out in nature, nearest to His creation.

And as I watched the sun set behind the watercolor mountain range, felt the soft breeze blow and listened to the noisy birds settle in the trees for the night, my sudden worries and obsessions felt so small.

And I felt so blessed.

I was finally walking my favorite trail right along with my tiny human in utero; my prayers had been answered but I was almost too frustrated to notice. And God needed me to remember that I have nothing to worry about, because He is in control; He made those massive mountains just as easily as He made this tiny little miracle growing in me. And every time I felt that soft breeze blow, it reminded me that He's always near, even when I'm too high strung to see Him.

There really is nothing in this life worth obsessing over.

Because He just like He takes care of those noisy birds, He'll take care of me.

"His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."
-Civilla Martin


  1. Beautifully written and so true; you have a tiny miracle you're about to meet and God is truly taking care of every last detail. The minute your sweet baby arrives will wash all of your worries away..I promise:) I remember that happened for me. Rest assured that everything fall into place, one way or another. You're getting so close!! I can hardly wait to see pics of your precious little one. ((HUGS))

  2. So true my sweet friend, so true. WOW--- 36 weeks, car seat locked and loaded, you are so close! I mean what a stinkin journey---- it feels like yesterday when we would write emails to each other about IVF stats and now we're awaiting miracle babies. I'm SO excited for you and I just LOVE LOVE your heart for the Lord and this baby and your deep desire to keep your eyes fixed on Him and not all the craziness that can so easily distract us!

  3. So exciting Tab! I still have some time to go, but I've started nesting and frantically trying to get things in the house ready. I've had my husband paint the babies' room, our bedroom, the kitchen and the laundry room.

  4. Wow..you are such an amazing writer! It's been such an honor to follow this journey from your old blog to this beautiful post! I am so excited for you guys! You are SO close and it is amazing!

  5. Tab you are one amazing writer!!!!!!!! You put your thoughts into words so well! I wish i could do that! You are going to be an amazing mother to this baby!!! I feel so privileged to be able to capture this amazing moment in your life! I Cant wait!!!!

  6. Tab I can't express how excited I am for you! I wish I was closer so I could help you get the final things done! If you need ANYTHING let me know! This baby is going to know its loved beyond words, and you are going to be an amazing mother! You better be sending me txts and photos cause I think i might go crazy being so far away!