It's embarrassing, really.
I was speaking with a close friend yesterday, sharing how I wanted so badly to write an entry that would cover everything that's been going on lately, but I can't find the right pace to start. I'm really disappointed in myself for falling so far behind, failing miserably to update the friends that have been so faithful to offer prayer and support during the most crucial times of this journey.
She simply told me to start with where I am, because that's the most important place.
And that, I can do.
Today, I am in my third week of taking birth control pills. I'll never get used to the fact that it's part of any treatment cycle to begin with these tiny-yet-powerful little hormone pills, especially since they are the arch-enemy of everything I've spent almost six years trying to make happen. But I'm told they not only play a huge part in regulating the cycle, but that they also calm down all internal hormones so that once the medication is stopped, my body will be ready for some serious action; in the form of a tiny human or two in utero.
Plus they've done wonders for my skin, so I've been able to look past the slightly excessive hunger and occasional raging hormonal episodes.
And in less than a week, I have an appointment for a baseline ultrasound and some STAT blood tests that I just found out really can't actually be ran STAT because I live in a fairly large city that for some reason is incapable of running anything STAT. So although I have strict and impossible instructions to somehow get the results from northern California to the clinic in New York in a four hour time period-because New York is three hours ahead of us and cuts into our already impossible STAT timeline-we'll just have to wait and see what happens.
That's been our first bump in the road. Well that, and the fact that I was misinformed of a few costs along the way and didn't figure any out of town-and out of pocket-monitoring into our already tight budget, but it's not the end of the world.
Had this been happening during our last IVF cycle, I would be loosing my mind right now. I'd be overwhelmed and frustrated with the system, feeling lost and out of control while dealing with a clinic that is in a completely different time zone, seemingly worlds away. And while I have to be honest and admit that I was most definitely flustered by these recent findings of added costs and lack of STAT testing available, none of it comes close to the life-altering desperation I felt over simple detours that were faced in previous cycles.
This time, it's different.
I haven't changed; I'm still very much OCD. But I committed to give these frozen babies and this cycle to God back when Scarlett was first born. I acknowledged to Him that I really wanted to bring these babies home someday to join our family, but that I now understand that His timing is perfect, His way is prefect, and His will is perfect. That doesn't mean I haven't quickly picked the burden back up and carried it around for a while before handing it back to Him again, or that I won't experience sadness and disappointment if I don't achieve a pregnancy from this FET; it just means that this time around, I have a better understanding of how God works.
I can't will this to work. The doctors can't make this work. No one here on earth has any control over any aspect of this cycle; not over the timing of STAT testing, not over the unexpected costs of monitoring, not over the ability of these two miracle embryos to thaw successfully, and not over the outcome. I have no control, the doctor's have no control, we have no control.
Realizing this-truly understanding my helplessness in this matter-actually soothes me.
God knows what will happen, knows how everything will play out. He alone is in control, and though it's a constant battle to remind myself of this truth as the enemy throws darts in our path, I refuse to fall hard. All I can do is pray that God's will is done, that I am given the grace to sustain me through whatever happens, and that no matter the result, the honor and glory would be brought to God for everything He's done.
God is good. If this cycle works, He is good. If this cycle doesn't work, He is still good.
I want these babies so bad; both of them. My thoughts are already consumed with names, one for a boy, one for a girl. And though I don't let myself wonder there to often, I have thought about the future if this doesn't work. The possibility of having only one child instead of the four that I've always dreamed of. The very real probability that the odds are more than against us in this matter, and that tiny voice in the back of my mind whispers that I shouldn't even get my hopes up. But when my thoughts wonder to that place too far in the future, out of reach and too dim to see, I pull them back.
And that's where I am now.
I'm humbled and so very grateful for the outreach I've already received during the short time that I've had our FET schedule posted on this blog. Knowing that there are so many already praying for these babies, for our trip, our family, and our cycle is almost overwhelming. I know that God is listening and He hears every single one of those prayers, and I'm convinced that they have the power to guide His decisions because He is merciful.
I'm also thankful that I serve a God that once lived on this earth in human flesh so that He could understand the fear, lack of control and anxiousness that consumes me at times; though I know that He longs for me to fully trust what He is about to do. And of course I also know that no matter what happens, He's never far away; promising to always be ready and willing to meet me, anywhere, anytime.
Right where I am.
Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.
Isaiah 26:3 (KJV)