Though I still haven't mastered keeping up the documentation of this much desired pregnancy, rest assured that our holidays were wonderful. Despite the insane weight gain-of which we will no longer speak until things level out and I've become less obsessed-God really has blessed us and we have amazing families and friends to celebrate the closing of one year and the opening of another.
This year, I found more joy in opening gifts for our unborn child than I've ever found in opening my own. Our tiny human isn't even here yet, but the baby still had an amazing Christmas filled with love and a ridiculous amount of adorable gifts that now take up the majority of our guest bedroom. It's amazing to me how the abundance of onsies, toys, cloth diapers, blankets and baby item related gift cards so easily replaced my own selfish desires this season.
And though I'm still wavering between glances from strangers thinking I'm lying about being six months pregnant and others who think my oddly shaped belly is growing perfectly in size, I'm certainly feeling more pregnant these days.
I don't have trouble maneuvering around, bending over or making sudden movements, but my appetite is back in full force. My belly button is beginning to flatten, I run out of breath if I laugh too hard, and sometimes I pee a little when I sneeze, reminding me that keggles are a necessity these days.
And more than anything else, I'm finding that controlling my tears is proving to be just as difficult as my bladder.
Because while packing up to head back home from spending the new years with our dear friends-the doppler renters-I reached inside the suitcase to find the most beautiful Petunia Pickle Bottom Boxy Backpack Diaper Bag I'd ever seen. And after a too long bout of silence indicating that something was definitely wrong because they couldn't hear me snatch up the bag and dance around the room in in pure bliss, they instead found me slumped down in a sniffling pile on the floor, rocking back and forth while holding the gorgeous bag in my arms.
I must have appeared to either have lost my mind or hated the gift, but I struggled to assure them through the flood of tears that neither were true, and that I loved it very much. Maybe it was the so called pregnancy hormones that caused my insane reaction, but the truth is I've always wanted one of those bags.
And as I sat there, caught somewhere between overwhelming gratitude and complete embarrassment, I ran my hands over the smooth material and realized that for the longest time, I was convinced I'd never need one of these bags.
Just like I'd given up on the dream of ever needing a crib, dresser, or nursery, either.
But right now, I'm the proud owner of a diaper bag, and my garage holds the start of some pretty amazing Craig's List finds that-when paired with the perfect shade of paint and a few final touches-will hopefully turn my guest bedroom into the practical yet magical nursery I have floating around in my head.
And because I know the unintended secrecy of this project is causing curiosity, here's just a small glimpse of some inspirations that I plan to incorporate:
These are the two pictures that gave me the much needed push in the right direction to begin to design the perfect room for my spunky, tiny little human growing in utero. Never a fan of the myth that not finding out the gender of your child means you have to settle for all things green and yellow, I want to make sure that I combine plenty of simple, organic fabrics with a few pops of deep, bold hues to add a classic-yet-dramatic touch to the living quarters of my little love.
And being on a very tight budget certainly doesn't mean I'm limited in options or stuck having to compromise on quality. I scored a brand new crib for $80 and dresser for $225, both from JCPenny with rave reviews and the highest safety marks. And though the crib did come from your stereotypical trailer park and I immediately felt guilty for bringing it home as the parts may have been stolen for that price, the dresser and mattress were also brand new and came from very nice, clean homes with solid back stories free of criminal records that made up for my earlier-possibly tainted-purchase.
I still can't believe I'm sharing my nursery ideas, feeling my child dance inside my uterus, and crying over diaper bags. And though I still hold true to the fact that my body is temporarily fertile while my mind and heart are still very much infertile, at least I'm able to go through the motions now, and my fears have almost all washed away.
We were told at our twenty four week appointment last Friday that we had reached viability and if our child were to be born at this point, it would have at least a 50% chance of survival, which made it much easier not to panic when a routine swab check for bacteria and infection showed the presence of amniotic fluid.
But a quick trip into the ultra sound room showed that the baby was healthy and happily swimming in a generous amount of fluid, so I was sent home with a subtle warning to watch out for contractions, and another picture of our little miracle to add to the pregnancy scrapbook I have yet to create.
A few short months ago, the thought of leaking amniotic fluid would have been enough to drive me insane. But as I sat in church this morning and watched my stomach move and pulse through my thin cotton dress, my fears were nonexistent. And though I knew I should have been paying close attention to our pastor and his sermon, I couldn't help but poke back at the rhythmic protrusions and continue to watch in amazement as my child responded back to my gentle nudges with it's own forceful jabs.
Right now, there is something wonderful happening inside of my previously deemed broken body. So despite the sudden urge to urinate during a sneeze in combination with the insane crying fits over all things happy and sad at the same time, I'm loving every minute of this season of life and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
I really do love new beginnings.
“Cheers to a new year, and another chance for us to get it right.”