Wednesday, February 1, 2012

{Slowing Down Time}

She'll be nine months old the day after tomorrow.

I held her in my arms last night, listening to her breathe heavy with sleep and watching her eyes dance with dreams behind tiny lids.

And in a split second, the panic set in.

How are we only a few months away from our tiny humans first birthday? What if I can't have any more and she'll be my only baby? How will I ever remember this curve of her heart shaped lips, the smell of her skin, the warmth of her little body pushed up against mine? Why is she growing so fast? Scarlett Grace, can you please just slow down?

As I sat on the couch, frozen in mom-fear, I remembered a book I read a few months ago, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. There's a chapter somewhere in the middle where Voskamp is holding her five year old, the youngest of her half a dozen kids, and she's asking the same questions. Why is it that God gives us something we love so very much, then makes us stand by to watch in helplessness as what we love the most grows up and away from us so quickly?

Of course those aren't God's intentions-to give us something that we feel is being taken away from us the moment they enter this world, or for us to panic at the thought of our babies growing up-but Voskamp offers an interesting idea of how to slow time down instead of watch it fly away.

Fill every second with gratitude.

Saturate each moment, name the blessing that it is, and fill it so full of thanksgiving that it becomes so incredibly heavy and has no choice but to slow, weighted down with gratitude.

So just as Voskamp did, I watched my baby sleep. And instead of longing for her to stop growing-to stay my tiny human forever-I shifted my thoughts and traced her full, dark pink lips. I smoothed her thickening gold and copper hair. I ran my fingertips over the fringe of soft eyelashes and rested my hand on the warmth of her flushed cheeks, drinking in the sound and smells of sweet baby breath, hot against my arm.

And I gave thanks.

By focusing on what was right in front of me, this blessing of a miracle baby that started as an impossible beta of eleven, I was able to push out the fear of tomorrow and replace it with a moment so heavy with thankfulness that it ceased to fly and instead, stood still.


I was reminded that all God gives is love. And there may be gifts that we perceive as hindrances from Him, but just like infertility, I'm learning to see the good in everything. The gifts in everything. The grace in everything. The thankfulness in everything.

And doing my best to slow down time.

"Time is what we all have, now, that which we never need to merely find enough of, but rather the gift we are given to make something of."
-Ann Voskamp

7 comments:

  1. I love you Tab. <3 I have been looking the kids thinking the same thing -it's going to fast. i will practice this, beautifully written.

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  2. Tab girl you have such a way with words. And having had such similar stories I'm always struck at how you can so accurately say what my heart feels. Thanks for this precious reminder. And for of course helping my eyes to swell with thankfulness as I sit here knowing my miracle baby is dreaming away in the room next to mine.

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  3. That is really beautiful!! What a gorgeous little girl, I love that picture in your header, its amazing! I can't believe it's been 9 months!

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  4. What a true, beautiful reminder:) Thanks for sharing another heart-felt post and I'm glad to hear you're so enjoying your precious little girl and motherhood.

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  5. Yes! I think back on certain days when Ella was really small and I just would breath her in and just thank God for her. I am filled with precious memories b/c of it. One of the hardest things as a mommy is trying not to wish the days away when we are worn out and tired. You are learning something that some mommies never do.
    You want to hear something awesome though? It just gets better and better. Yes, they grow more independent, but they love you so deeply. Each phase has its own beauty. Continue to enjoy the ride sweet sister!

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  6. I know what you mean! I just blinked and my baby boy turned one last week. Time flies by and I am trying to soak up every minute with him!

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